Nothing But The Blood

As for you, you were dead in your transgressions and sins, 2 in which you used to live when you followed the ways of this world and of the ruler of the kingdom of the air, the spirit who is now at work in those who are disobedient. 3 All of us also lived among them at one time,gratifying the cravings of our flesh and following its desires and thoughts. Like the rest, we were by nature deserving of wrath. 4 But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, 5 made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved. 6 And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, 7 in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace,expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus. 8 For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— 9 not by works, so that no one can boast. 10 For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.

Ephesians 2:1-10

Wow, it has been a while since I have written anything let alone in this devotional blog. Three years to be exact. I have been exceedingly busy these last three years. I left a job in retail to pursue a Job in health care. I them left health care to start my own landscaping company. It has been a busy three years. I am glad to be able to step back and write a little bit.

I tend to think I know something about grace. I have taken the time to read about grace and study it and try to make sense of it. The problem is that while we can have a rational knowledge and understand of grace we are often caught off guard by actual grace. I sure know that I am.

I was 11 years old when I decided to follow Jesus Christ at camp. Though I had grown up in church and was a pastor's kid I didn't really, truly know what salvation was. Maybe the grown ups didn't think I could fully understand it or what forgiveness really is like when eternity is on the line. They were probably right, but in just a few days I would be in more need of grace and forgiveness than anyone could have ever imagined.

The day I came home from camp I was pretty happy even though on my way home I had told my mom that I gave my heart to Jesus and all she said was “that's nice”. I'm not sure what I expected her to say, but I thought it was a bigger deal than a “that's nice”.

At home I did a few things in the house and then headed out to play with the neighbor boy who was a few years older than me. Little did I know that evil would assault my heart that day for the very first time in a devastating, life altering way.

Our neighbor's lived on land that used to be an apple orchard. All the trees were gone now but the barns still stood, or half stood, and one still had the old steam engine powered apple press in it. The neighbor boy and I would play in this barn for hours. Playing cops chasing bad guys or marines in a fierce battle. We were always the victors, of course there wasn't anyone truly fighting back, but that is what imagination is all about.

On this fine sunny, summer day the neighbor kid and I were playing in the barn and for some reason I got the idea that I would play a girl character. I don't remember why I would ever come up with such an idea, but I did. As we played one of us said we should have a play kiss, because that is what boys and girls do, right? The neighbor boy took his hand and put it up to his mouth to cover his lips so that our mouths wouldn't really touch, because after all kissing was gross. We did this several times on this day.

I am not sure when it exactly happened, but I will never forget the moment when we were play kissing and my neighbor pulled his hand away like pulling a table cloth out from under all the dinner wear. It was fast, very fast. “What are you doing!” I said. “Maybe we should try it for real.” was the response. I'm not sure what I was thinking. Maybe it was the prepubescent nature of my hormones, but I remember actually trying it for real.

As far as I remember that was it for that day. I don't remember anything else from that day. I do know that I felt weird and pretty dirty. I had heard my father talk about homosexuality from the pulpit and I knew anything close to that was wrong. I knew that I was in need of forgiveness. I knew I was not suppose to do anything like that. The kissing incident happened a few more time after that. Each time feeling dirty and sick, but at the same time it had awakened something in me that enjoyed it.

I'm not sure when it happened exactly but the neighbor kid eventually introduced me to box full of his brother's pornographic magazines in one of the other barns. It wasn't too long after this that we were no longer wasting our time with play kissing. We had awakened sexuality before its time and it was a downhill spiral into homosexuality that was as dark as the darkest night.

This went on for years. While I knew it was wrong and disgusting I continued to go back to it. Every time I would cry out to God for forgiveness but I would continue in the sin. Every time I would say I will never do it again, but I always would. It became a dark hole from which I couldn't find a way out.  

I used to blame the neighbor kid for abusing me, as if I didn't have a choice. Maybe he opened the door, but I chose to walk through it. I no longer blame him for any of it. I place much of the blame on myself. Yes, I have been through the whole, “he sexually abused me” thought process, but really it wasn't. I was just as much of an abuser as he was. I would actually encourage it. Not so much because I liked it, but because I was happy that someone was spending time with me. Someone was there giving me their undivided attention. That is what felt good.

Eventually, I got to a place with God that I knew this could never happen again and I stopped it. I no longer went over to the neighbor's house. I wouldn't even talk to the neighbor kid anymore. For many years after this I felt alone and forgotten. Because of the pain of what I had done I contemplated suicide. Going so far as to take my shot gun off the wall in my bedroom, load it, and hold it pointing the barrel at my face thinking that this would be easier than living with myself being such a disgusting human being. The only thing that stopped me was the thought of what people would think of my parents if I took my own life.

Slowly but surely God began drawing me out of my deep depression and worked in my heart enough to the point where I could function as a human again. But I was different. When I was a kid I was out going and had allot of friends. Now, and to this day, I struggle to make and keep friends, especially male friends. I am afraid they can see me for who I really am, what I did back those many years ago. I found solace in making music, or noise, whatever you want to call it. I purchased a drum set and a big stereo system. I was home schooled so I would sit in my room and blast the music when my mother left to go run errands and beat the hell out of those drums. It was the only thing that helped in those dark days. I would turn on DC Talk or Five Iron Frenzy (both Christian Bands) and would beat those drums until either they broke or I got so winded I couldn't play any more (and yes, I broke my fair share of drum heads).

I am so grateful to my conservative parents that let me work out my depression to loud rock music. I'm not sure why they permitted it, but I am glad they did. There were times when I would be playing and just begin to weep. Either it was something in the song that spoke to my heart or I just found myself in a very broken place. Either way, it was good for my soul.

Without music I would have never come to the place I am at today. For a few years I was a worship leader. One of my friends who was playing drums came over to my house just to hang out. I started playing guitar and singing (as I often did) and just started worshiping. My friend said, “I love watching you just sit here and worship, just you and the guitar.” My friend had no idea the depths I had had to endure to get to that place. My worship comes out of the deep down, dark places of my heart. The places that no average person would care to go, and in fact most people who turn to suicide, I believe are in those depths. Think Lord of The Rings when the fellowship's journey takes them into the Mines of Moria, only darker. That is where my worship flows from.

Not only does my worship flow from there but God's grace also flow to that deep, dark place. That is why I can worship from that place, why I can see light down in those depths. God's light has shined into the darkness in my soul and has dispersed the darkness. Do I know something about the deepest and darkest parts of a mans soul? Yes, I think so. But I know more of the grace that surpasses all understanding. Jesus Christ went to the cross and endured the murderous rage of a world with unexplored deep, dark places in their hearts who would rather kill Him than let Him shine his light in those deep down evil places in our hearts. Yet, “God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions – it is by grace you have been saved.”

God's grace goes deeper than anyone can know. Deeper than the deepest ocean. Jesus is willing to go to the depths of hell for you and I, wrestle the keys of death and destruction from Satan so that we might have life everlasting. Now that is a God who loves more than anyone could ever know. His grace is boundless, his mercy limitless, and his love bigger than all the galaxies combined.

Squirrel Devils

This week was the opening weekend of firearm deer season here in Michigan. I love hunting deer, but I love being out in the woods more. I love the quiet, the breeze blowing through the leaves that are still left on the trees. It is so peaceful out there.

There are a few things I do NOT like in the woods. I do NOT like squirrels and I do NOT like chipmunks. In fact I am almost to the point where I can say that it would bring me great pleasure to fire upon these noisy, ruthless, animals. (I would pile their carcasses high as a warning to other squirrels in the area.)

When God created man life was like a woods with no squirrels. It was perfect and peaceful. Then one day, a squirrel comes and deceives man with his cuddly looks and puffy tail. Then, when man least expected it the squirrel transforms into a snake and tells man to eat the fruit. (My version of the deception story was lost in translation I'm sure.)

I was in my blind on Friday morning when the squirrels started to make some noise. Now these aren't just your run of the mill squirrels, these are the biggest squirrels you have ever seen. They looked like they actually ate other squirrels to get as big as they were. The thing I hate most about squirrels is that when squirrels are walking through leaves on the ground they can sound just like a deer coming your way (at least that is what mind mind tells me). I get distracted and start looking around for a deer, but what I end up seeing is an over weight squirrel that apparently hasn't gotten enough attention in it life so it has to make a bunch of noise so it gets mine. I was looking at one of these squirrels when I turned my head and there in front of me about 25 to 3o yards away was a buck and 3 doe. They saw me and took off. I was so made I almost introduces that squirrel to “me little friend” (insert Scare Face voice here).

Truthfully, we all know how life goes. We are rolling along in life and everything seems to be going great. It is peaceful and enjoyable when all of a sudden, the squirrels of life come and start making noise. We get distracted by the noise they make and we start missing the amazing things that God has coming our way. We listen to the noise instead of focusing on the still small sound of God's voice.

See, deer rarely make a lot of noise. They usually come in very quietly and before you realize it they are right in front of you. But, if you get distracted by the squirrels you will be looking all over the forest instead of listening to the stillness.

Take some time today and just be silent. Turn off the music or TV and just be still and listen. Enjoy the silence. Let it be the best time of your day. You never know, maybe God has something standing right in front of you but you are so surrounded by noise that you aren't able to see it.

“Be still, and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!” Psalm 46:10

John Doe

I work in the a local hospital where I live and every so often we get a patient that we know nothing about. They are brought in unconscious, with no I.D. In the medical profession when we don't know anything about a patient we call them John Doe or Jane Doe. It tells everyone that comes in contact with that particular patient that we know nothing about this person. It is somewhat disheartening to hear a person described that way.

What if you you don't know who you were? Put yourself in the other person's shoes for a minute. No one knows anything about you. You are nameless. All anyone knows is what they see in front of them.

This begs the question, aren't we all just a John or Jane Doe? When you look at me all you see is what I want you to see. If you're lucky I will take you a little deeper into my small world, but most people aren't that lucky. We are not faceless or nameless, but we are unknown unless we want to be known.

A few years ago my wife and I were living a perfect little life in a two bedroom, rundown old duplex. We had been married only two or three years, but we were happy. Well, at least one of us was happy. Oh, I was very happy to be married and I loved my wife, but I was hiding. I had been hiding for more than 10 years.

When I was 12 years old I was introduced to pornography. From the first time I saw it I was hooked. I simply couldn't break its hold on me. No one knew. I never let anyone into that part of my life.

One day in the fall of 2008 I couldn't hold it inside anymore. I had to let my secret out to the one person it was hurting the most and she didn't even know it. One day after my wife got home from work I told her my struggle with porn. My wife was deeply hurt by my confession, but I was the one that did most of the crying that day.

There was a relief that I had never experienced before and such emotion I had never let myself feel before. My wife simply held me while I sat and cried for what seemed like hours. She told me she loved me and that she would help me in anyway she could.

On that fall day in 2008 I became known by one person in this world. To be known is to let all your crap be seen. To my wife I was no longer a John Doe, I was Aaron her husband. She now knew the real me.

To let someone truly know who you are is so scary. I had overwhelming fear before I opened up to my wife. But, before I opened up to her I opened up first to someone else. In fact, I couldn't help it. He already knew who I truly was.

Jesus Christ, the one person who allows us to truly know Him through his book, the bible, already knows who we really are. How can He know what we are hiding? Because He created us. He knows everything about us.

When you feel like there is no one who knows your name, no one who knows who you are; you can trust that Jesus Christ know your name and he knows your every weakness and deepest darkest secret. There is nothing you tell Him that He has never heard or seen before. In the bible Jesus was routinely seen talking with prostitutes, money launderers, and murders. Do you get it? He knew exactly who He was with.

Went you figure out that you are known by just one person it makes it much easier to open up to another person, and another.

To be known is to be truly loved. Your no longer just loved for what you are on the outside, but you are loved in spite of what is on the inside.

'And behold, some people brought to him a paralytic, lying on a bed. And when Jesus saw their faith, he said to the paralytic, 'Take heart, my son; your sins are forgiven.” And behold, some of the scribes said to themselves, “This man is blaspheming.” But Jesus, knowing their thoughts, said,“Why do you think evil in your hearts?” (Matthew 9:2-9 ESV)